Maktub

Maktub is an Arabic word meaning "it is written". I am a firm believer that your life is written before you get out there and attempt to write it yourself. Granted your decisions have a lot to do with this, but there is something behind our decisions guiding us as well. Today I was slapped upside the head and reminded of this after a few heavy hearted days questioning this very thought. 

Saturday I received horrible news from a dear old friend.

My stomach sank at the thought as my eyes began to pour. This woman was once close enough to be my second mom. I spent three years with this family, nearly nonstop. I experienced a good deal of major life events with these people, things that forever bind you. 

Granted I have not seen her in years and we have all gone our own ways, but that string to my heart is always there. Her child will always be in my heart regardless of our life situations, which automatically puts this whole family in my heart. 

While driving home Saturday morning Karen was hit head on by a drunk driver at 7:16 am with her 10 year old grand daughter in the back seat. This is the child of her child whom I hold so dear. Thankfully her granddaughter has little recollection of  the incident and is merely bruised. They were simply running an errand to meet grandpa who needed something from home. Little did anyone know this was grandma's last day. 

This is where I come with the automatic "Why?". Is this really written that someone should die so tragically, leaving behind a family and community in unanswered pain? This I will never understand. Thankfully part of that predestined life plan was for the 10 year old to black out and have little memory. 

"You never know until it happens to you."

My heart has been aching with such extreme anguish (and anger) for this family and this beautiful soul lost so soon. I have always been an emotional being, ever cognizant of the feelings of others. Some have said I feel too much, but I take it as a blessing to feel others pain and suffering, as well as share in the happiest of emotions. I have experienced the loss of dear family members and that of my own parent. The pain never leaves. Every time I question the "Why?" for each one. Slowly I have learned that it is something to be accepted as you will never have the answer. We each experience this grief in our own way and learn to continue on in just the same.

I no longer see Karen's child on a regular basis as life has taken us on our own paths. Once in a great while we have the prewritten chance of running into one another around town, spending at least a half hour catching up. It has been nearly a year since this has happened. After learning this horrible news I wanted nothing more than to simply hug my beautiful friend and share the pain. No one in my current life circle knew these people (besides my mom) nor do they know the bond I had with this family. I have been alone with my feelings, which is how I deal best, but that hug was all my heart yearned for. My little apartment has soaked my tears these last few days and Kingsford has quizzically watched on. I have not wanted to even be a part of public life due to unexpected tears and pain. Thankfully my emotions have started to dull as I had to work with that said public today. 

This evening I stayed past my scheduled time at work to finish off my last table. I slowly meandered to the car with the intent to stop at the local market to grab an avocado. Last minute I chose to drive straight rather than make that left turn to the market. I need a new pair of pants for work, remembering the local uniform shop. Across the street from the shop is the gas station where Karen was the accountant during our shared days. My heart was overcome with emotion, then flooded as I passed the road in which her life was taken on. The family flashed before my eyes, all I could do was send healing energy to them in this moment. As I pulled into the parking lot, I had another last minute "go straight" rather than left moment. As I pulled ahead there stood my friend. My heart nearly exploded at the sight, not able to park fast enough. MAKTUB. Of all the people, the Universe knew just who and what I needed. Words can not express the amount of relief, yet sadness that were contained in one simple {long} hug. 

My post work errand decisions were guided by that which is already written. Proof and reminder for me to trust all that was, is and is to come. 

Thank you to the Universe, G-d, my angels, Buddah, Jesus...whatever may be...I am blessed.